Clean Office Humor

6 Minutes Late

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf’s left handed, and wins the round.

This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

They said, ”George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?

George replies, ”Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.”

”Well,” one of the employees questioned, ”What happens if she is laying on her back?”

George replies, ”Then I am 6 minutes late.”

πŸ˜† – – – – – πŸ˜‰ – – πŸ™„ – – – πŸ˜‰ – – – 😳 – – πŸ˜• – – – – – πŸ˜›

Special High Intensity Training or S.H.I.T. for short

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained, through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.).

If you feel that you are not given enough S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list.

Employees who are unable to handle S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Program (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).

Since your managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T. as they are already full of S.H.I.T.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., and qualified you may be interested in a job, training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

Those who are proficient in B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. can apply for promotion to the Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have any questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

πŸ˜† – – – – – πŸ˜‰ – – πŸ™„ – – – πŸ˜‰ – – – 😳 – – πŸ˜• – – – – – πŸ˜›

Words to work by

Always give 100% at work …….

12% On Monday

23% On Tuesday

40% On Wednesday

20% On Thursday

5% On Fridays

And remember …….

When you’re having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off.

Now get back to work.

πŸ˜† – – – – – πŸ˜‰ – – πŸ™„ – – – πŸ˜‰ – – – 😳 – – πŸ˜• – – – – – πŸ˜›

What’s Your Business Sign?

(1) MARKETING
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least >>compatible with Sales.

(2) SALES
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a degree.” You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can “concentrate on the big picture.” You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

(3) TECHNOLOGY
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying but who can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

(4) ENGINEERING
One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest “ergo dynamic” gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your “carpal tunnel syndrome.”

(5) ACCOUNTING
The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

(6) HUMAN RESOURCES
Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

(7) MANAGEMENT / MIDDLE MANAGEMENT
Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Middle Managers” as everyone in your social circle is a “Middle Manager.”

(8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT
(See above – Same sign, different title)

(9) CUSTOMER SERVICE
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service.” Continually passed over for promotions.

(10) CONSULTANT
Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your “skills” are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

(11) RECRUITER, “HEADHUNTER”
As a “person” that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

(12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO
You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

(13) GOVERNMENT WORKER
Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job….Thus the term “GO POSTAL”

πŸ˜† – – – – – πŸ˜‰ – – πŸ™„ – – – πŸ˜‰ – – – 😳 – – πŸ˜• – – – – – πŸ˜›

The language of Work

Has Leadership Qualities – Is tall or has a loud voice

Loyal – Can’t get a job anywhere else

Expresses Themselves Well – Speaks English

Independent Worker – Nobody knows what he/she does

Quick Thinking – Offers plausible excuses

Good Communication Skills – Spends lots of time on phone

Work Is First Priority – Too ugly to get a date

Meticulous Attention To Detail – A nit picker

Great Presentation Skills – Able to bullshit

Exceptionally Well Qualified – Made no major blunders yet

Careful Thinker – Won’t make a decision

Active Socially – Drinks a lot

Family Is Active Socially – Spouse drinks, too

Keen Sense Of Humor – Knows a lot of dirty jokes

Exceptionally Good Judgment Lucky

Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs – Gets someone else to do it

Average Employee – Not too bright.

πŸ˜† – – – – – πŸ˜‰ – – πŸ™„ – – – πŸ˜‰ – – – 😳 – – πŸ˜• – – – – – πŸ˜›

The Plan.

In the beginning, there was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form, And the Plan was without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, “It is a crock of shit and it stinketh.”

And the Workers went into their Supervisors and said, “It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof.” And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, “It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, “It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide it’s strength.” And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, “It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong.”

And the Directors went unto the Vice President, saying, “It promotes growth and it is very powerful.” And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying, “This new Plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with powerful effects.”

And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good. And the Plan became Policy. This is how Shit Happens.

πŸ˜† – – – – – πŸ˜‰ – – πŸ™„ – – – πŸ˜‰ – – – 😳 – – πŸ˜• – – – – – πŸ˜›

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